The Many Thoughts of a Sleepless Teacher

I slept horribly last night.

I woke up what seemed like every 10-20 minutes and was either thinking about something random, working out conflicts from a dream, drafting a piece of writing, or ruminating on a student.

What did I think about? Here is a sample of my thoughts that trickled all through the night:-“I wonder if I packed enough for lunch.”

•  “Did I remember to pack a fork?”
• “I wonder whether the Metrobuses will be running reliably to get me to work.”
•  “I wonder whether there is numeric significance to the years they check in in ‘True Detective.’ Like, does the serial killer have a pattern that follows a certain number of years and that’s why things keep popping up then?” Then my inner voice answered itself, “Nope. That math doesn’t even make sense. Go back to sleep, Laura.”
•  “Is that plot twist I’m predicting in “How I Met Your Mother” really going to happen? Because if so, I’m going to be super mad.”
•   At one point, I even woke up writing a blog in my head. And MAN did I come up with a fantastic reflection, a wonderful line, and a blog I couldn’t wait to post. But then I realized… I had mentally composed a piece of writing over a fictional event. What I was thinking about didn’t even happen.
•   “Am I psychic? Nah.”
•  “Will we even have time for specials with the 2 hour delay tomorrow?”
• “Should I bother to try to run Handwriting Without Tears? I don’t think the kids will be focused and ready to attend to it by the time we settle into afternoon activities.”
•  “I wonder whether the Librarian got a hold of any of those books I’m searching for?”
•  “Why are my legs so itchy?”
•  “I wonder whether that family that went to Disney made it back in the snow?”
•  “Did I set my alarm? Did I leave myself enough time to get to school?”

While all of these thoughts, for the most part are silly anxiety or frivolous ponderings, I think the larger issue I had with sleeping was that throughout all this, I was being kept awake (like I am so many nights) being haunted by self-created phantoms. All night long, I had the dubious companions of Insecurity, Inadequacy, and Self-Doubt whispering in my ears.

•  “My plans this week really are lame.”
•  “I could have spent more time this weekend preparing materials to help bolster my Literacy Lessons.”
•  “How come I haven’t gone to the Library yet? So many of my upcoming plans hinge on read alouds I’m not yet prepared for.”
•  “Why can’t I think of cooler math lessons to help propel the struggling kids and challenge the excelled kids?”
•  “Why didn’t I stay later more days last week?”
•  “Are my kids really even learning everything from me?”
•  “Are my kids having fun?”
•  “Am I just faking it?”
•  “If I keep up this terrible attitude and don’t get some sleep, I’m going to set myself up for an awful day.”

I know these thoughts aren’t healthy. I know they aren’t constructive. But, I also  know I’m not alone in thinking them. And I know that if I truly have been slipping as much lately as I feel like I have, it isn’t without reason.

Self-Defense, Self-Preservation, Taking Care of Myself, and Sanity at least stood up to the Phantoms:

•  “Don’t forget that you were super sick for two straight weeks and still went to school.”
•  “Don’t’ forget you’re juggling multiple SSTs and implementing new Behavior Intervention Plans.”
•  “Don’t forget that you’re also a student with classes, readings, and papers constantly draining you.”
•  “Don’t forget that the parents in your class are happy and you’ve seen change in  your kids throughout the  year.”
•  “Don’t’ forget you’re new at this and it is okay not to be perfect.”
•  “Don’t forget that you’re always harder on yourself than is actually warranted.”

I know I’m doing better than I worry about. I know the power is within me to improve on the spots I perceive as weak. I know I need to sleep better. What I need to figure out is how to tell the Phantoms to cut it out.